Sunday, December 18, 2011

A Peek into Hell - These Hellish Happenings by Jennifer Rainey

I had scheduled an interview with author Jennifer Rainey but she had to cancel at the last minute. The bearded lady needed more shaving cream so off she went to assist. In her stead we have Jack Bentley from the book These Hellish Happenings. Good thing a copy fell from Jennifer’s purse as she ran out the door!
With much ado I give you Jack.
So Jack, it seems like you have lived a charmed life for a while. When did it all go wrong?
There’s not really one moment where it all went wrong. I mean, there are at least fifty. Thousand. Fifty-thousand is probably a little closer. Making a deal with the Devil tends to mess up one’s existence. Any charmed aspects of my life come in waves, I’ve found. I’ve had my fair share of time on the top of the world, but I’ve also spent a lot of time in the mire, to put it politely.
Being a Vampire sounds cool. What are some of the pros and cons?
It’s rubbish! I can’t actually think of any pros. Living forever is not all it’s cracked up to be, the blood-sucking process is time-consuming and after a few centuries, you get bored with it.  Not only that, living without a pulse makes certain sexual acts incredibly difficult. It’s really not that great. I don’t have any special powers, either. I’m just a guy… who happens to need human blood to live.
Do you ever regret your pact with the devil?
I used to. That was before I actually settled down in Hell. It’s really not that bad, and I can’t believe I’m saying that. Think about your worst day on Earth. Multiply it by no more than three and a half. That’s living on The Administrative Level of Hell. It could certainly be worse. I could be on one of the lower levels cleaning up after Cerberus.
I’ve read about your plight in hell. Sounds a lot like my last job but more colorful. Tell us about your day.
I wake up, go to The Registration Office here in Hell, register the incoming dead and send them to wherever in Hell they’re going to spend eternity. Think St. Peter but with fangs (and, I imagine, better looking).  And I work nine to five, Monday through Friday. The weekend is when I tend to get in trouble, usually with Alex. He tends to gravitate towards trouble.
So Alexander huh? I see you blushing, do tell!
He’s a demon who stalked me for fifty years. Perfect way to start a relationship, wouldn’t you say? Alex, despite the fact that he has terrible taste in music (The Doors? Really?), makes Hell very unhellish for me. And don’t tell him I said that. He’s got an ego through the bloody roof already. I’d never hear the end of it.
Well thanks for stopping in today if you see Jennifer tell her she should be very proud.
No, thank you for getting me out of twenty minutes of my shift!